A Believer’s Testimony

I was filled with energy and excitement anticipating what would be in my future.  I wrote in my senior book that I would graduate from college in four years. Check. I would have a successful career by the age of 23. Check. I would be married by the age of 25. Check. I thought I would have my first child at age 28 but it didn’t happen.

I thought this news would end my dream of becoming a mother.  I was devastated. I couldn’t understand why God was not blessing me with my heart’s desire.  The 1990s also brought job displacements and lay offs. I became depressed.  I slept a lot. There were family members and friends that kept encouraging me.  They told me that God would bless me and my husband with a baby.  I had a co-worker that kept telling me, “God is not NOT going to bless the two of you…you are such good people.”  I had little faith. I didn’t think I was a good person because I had sinned and I felt that my transgressions were too many to forgive. I wallowed in self pity but I continued to press on.  I found another job but the grade level and pay rate was lower than what I had before. However, it was a job and I performed well.

I continued to attend church.  Before I had surgery to remove the fibroids my husband and I went to the altar for prayer.  I knew that my pastor would pray for my health and wellness and for the medical staff.  What came out of my pastor’s mouth shocked me.  He prayed that God would take away my fear.  You know what people say, “prayer works”.  In the days leading up to my surgery, I read scriptures on healing given to me by  cousin.  I prayed that God’s will would be done.  The morning of my surgery I was calm.  A sense of peace came over me thinking of my pastor’s prayer.  The doctor’s intended to remove three fibroids and ended up removing 10.  I had to have a blood transfusion due to my low blood count.  Thankfully,  my blood had been drawn weeks before in case it was needed for this reason.   As the days, weeks, and months passed I followed the doctor’s orders and I returned to work with a promotion in tact. I felt as though I had come back to a normal way of life.

I realized that God had forgiven me for my past transgressions but I had not forgiven myself.  I needed to get pass what I should have, could have or would have done differently in my life.  Instead of spending time crying I decided to find a way to be of service to God.  I joined the volunteer ministry at church.
In 2001, my sister and I were on our way to our second church service on New Year’s Eve.  I do not believe in making resolutions but I wanted to claim victory over my life that year.  I remember my sister and I crying and praying before we got out of the car.  I declared, ” I will have a baby before the end of this year!”  Now notice I didn’t say anything about getting “pregnant”.  I had already started researching adoption options and making phone calls.  I knew in my heart that I was supposed to be a mother.  I also knew there were minority babies that needed a good loving family.  Oh, but God…

On February 8, 2001, my dad’s birthday, I attended a training session for work.  I was really uncomfortable and I remember excusing myself to go the restroom more than once which was unlike me.  After the meeting, I apologized to the presenter for my restroom breaks.  She said to me, “You aren’t doing anything to get pregnant are you?”  I responded, “yeah for four years some good that’s doing.”  We lightly laughed it off.  This prompted me to go home and take my 100th pregnancy test.  It was positive!  I had never seen the two lines on the stick before! I was stunned! I gasped for air.  Immediately, I started praising God.  I cried and worshipped so hard alone in the presence of my home.  This news was too exciting to keep to myself and I desperately wanted my husband to come home immediately so  I paged him.  Yes, we had pagers back then!

The lesson here is that nothing and I mean nothing happens without God.  He is in control.  I have nothing and am nothing without Him. I can do all the planning in the world but if it is not God’s will then it will not come to pass.  God knew in His infinite wisdom that I needed time to mature, become less selfish, and solidify a relationship with my husband.  My mother gave me a little figurine when I was a teenager that had the following verse: “Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; may Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” Psalm 143:10.  Boy if that didn’t resonate in my spirit!

Adrienne Arnold